Sunday, March 27, 2016

Happy Easter!

So, I wrote this earlier...enjoy!

Pigging Out
A Twisted Easter Tale
Copyright 2016

Every year, at this time, the same thing. Kids who were good, and some that were not, got baskets of candy--chocolate bunnies, creme-filled chocolate eggs, jelly beans, etc--to gorge themselves until that traditional family Easter dinner.

But not this year.

Three pigs had other plans. Not your average pigs, these were larger specimens, more like hogs or boars. They were incredibly smart, cunning, and had been planning their revenge ever since they escaped their pens at the farm weeks ago.

So, the three hogs gathered up implements stolen from the farmer, in which to slay the hated Spring Rabbit: a wicked pitchfork, an axe, and a scythe.

Their plan was simple. They would hide out in the woods near the farmhouse before Easter morning, when that  blasted Bunny would come hopping by with his sack of goodies, then they would attack. Hack and stab him to bloody shreds and leave the mutilated body on the doorstep. They'd even planned to take the sweets for themselves.

Night fell and they waited patiently, hungrily, eyes scanning the fields and road for any sign of Mister Easter Bunny. They saw nothing, heard not a sound, and they began to think perhaps the farmer's children didn't believe. Maybe they'd gotten too old to believe in such things.

As the late evening bled into very early morning, the three pigs heard a muffled thumping noise and peered intently into the shadowy gloom.

And they saw him!

Much bigger than a normal rabbit, the Easter Bunny hopped along the dirt road, the massively bulging bag of candy treats slung over one furry, brownish black shoulder. If he continued along the road, he'd pass by their hiding spot and then they'd pounce upon him!

Slavering, gripping their weapons tightly, they eagerly watched as he grew closer, completely unaware of his impending doom. But he stopped, a mere dozen steps away, nose twitching, large ears pricked.

"Is someone there? Come on out! I can smell you!" the Rabbit said in a strident but calm tone.

Surprised that they'd been discovered, the pigs scurried out of the night-shrouded trees, brandishing their deadly weapons.

"Drop the bag and come closer!" ordered one pig, the larger of the trio, and generally thought the leader. He carried the axe.

"Why would I do such a thing?"

The Leader Pig growled menacingly. "Because I'll chop your head off if you don't!"

The Easter Bunny considered this, scratching one paw under his chin. He lowered the sack and opened it. "But I brought you all very special treats, you know. Unless you don't want them, of course."

Another pig, arguably the less smart of the three, dropped the pitchfork and gleefully exclaimed, "Oh yes, I want my treat, please, yes I do!"

The Leader wanted to turn the axe on him, but didn't. Instead he glared at his compatriot, who noticed the baleful look and fell quiet.

"We will take what we want," he said threateningly. "And pray that's all we do."

The other pig who toted the scythe chuckled.

"But if you harm me now, these treats, the best of all, will be useless," the Rabbit said. "That's part of my Easter magic, you might say."

The Leader thought for a moment, then said, "Let me see them."

The Bunny reached into his bag and retrieved three eggs, each one a different color, and obviously not real eggs because of their size and hues. They were huge.

"Now you must open them together, as one." He laid the big eggs carefully on the ground and stepped away, his sack resting beside his haunches.

In retrospect, and as you can imagine, the three might've taken caution as these weren't normal Easter eggs,  and the Rabbit was smarter and more cunning than the hogs. Shells cracked and splintered and the sweet insides devoured in seconds. As the Leader turned to demand the Bunny hand over his bag, the other two began to convulse, crumpling to the dirt in agony. Bloody foam vomited from their gaping mouths. The Leader sank to the ground next to them, wracked by painful spasms. He writhed and spat up blood.

The Rabbit shook his head, and carefully scooped the egg shell fragments. He lifted the sack and slung it over his shoulder.

As he began to hop in the direction of the farmhouse, the Leader asked in a dying wheeze, "Why? How?"

The Easter Bunny stopped, and looked back. "Why, you ask? Because I don't take crap from a couple of foolish pigs, that's why. Also, the poison won't harm humans. After all, I wouldn't want to ruin an Easter ham dinner."

No comments:

Post a Comment